After a long still night

I have been thinking many this few days in the silent,sleepless night.
The night seems extra dark and deep, particular still yet full of chaos.The horrible loneliness soon covered the world.

I do not want to think,i kept telling my mind:Girl,shut off the mind operation,SLEEP now!!!
However,whenever i told myself this,the more those graphics,images,sentences flew into my brain...loads loads and loads of them, make me stifle until couldnt sleep,dont even want to close my eyes then. I do not want to flashback some bad memory but they kept coming to me continuosly. Nonstop, the images change one following by one another.

Honestly, I dont like myself sometimes. I hate myself why I am not as pretty as Michelle Lee Jia Xin. I hate myself why I dont have a perfect bodyline like Lee Hyori. Why I am not as tall as the models on the stage instead of being a 159cm girl? I hate myself why people dont gain weight although they ate loads but I do even if I just have a cup of plain water.

I give up some eating habits. I give up bread which i love it so much in order to avoid from the carbohydrate. I stop eating rice as it caused people fat. ( I still love sweet stuffs thou,haha...) I went to exercise everyday, cycling and playing badminton, as well as jogging. Well, it is really work for me that i did look throwing out weight. Yet, so what? I just simply putting those weight back when i didnt exercise. Why all those hardworks can be so easily replacable?

Nevertheless, I still confident with myself, used to. I know I am not pretty enough, not slim enough but I think I am still attractive then(hoho). I believe I able to attract people who I like, who like me myself, the truly me, but not the packaging me. And, ridiculously, i thought I found it, not once, but some.

Now, no...no more. I started to losing my own standpoint of view. I know, people in this world like beautiful things. People see beautiful views, buy beautiful stuffs, live in beautiful house. Everyone wants BEAUTIFUL LIFE. And it so on to me. I like beautiful clothes, choose brilliant shoes, I want to look pretty, and I want my partner to be smart and handsome. Come on, this is the essential requirement in people's heart so why still believing that people like ugly things?

Pei Suang, stop being so naive...sleep now.Do not think of fairytales. You got to live in the real world.